my story........

Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Alcoholism

My bio father I call him prick face(perfect nick name).....beat and raped my mum repeatedly. My first memory of my childhood was walking into their room turning on a light and seeing prick face loading a rifle.....apparently I saved our lives that night as mum was able to throw the rifles (3 I believe) out the window and he was to drunk to find them. At 4 they separated, but mum, having no support went back to him til I was 6. I remember him coming home every night with two tallies (large bottles of beer) sinking them down.....
 My mum remarried when I was 12 and I had intermittent visits with prick face when he decided to waft in and out of my life....... At 15 I found out that my step sisters had accused him of child abuse. I was mortified HOW FUCKING DARE THEY!!!!! I was sickly close to my dad now I look back on my life and had extremely wrong attachments with all the adults in my world except my poppa. I started counselling, trying to cope with all of the issues and 6 months later  I had my first full repressed memory. I started with a smell of Brut and colgate toothpaste, ripples in a cupboard door, fluff on a brown blanket on one of the beds, the yellow hue of those holy curtains coming through the window.......The sillohoutte at my door at night with the light in the hall way.........I was molested from the age of 3 and Raped from the age of 9.......You ask how I know these years.........I remember a couch at my mums house and mum said we got rid of it when I was 4..........and I remember the unit that prick face lived in and he was only there for a short time and I was wearing a gown that by 9 was too small. 12 was the last time at a house at Allora. I was too old for him by then and he went on to abuse both my step sisters, which he spent time in prison for.
 No I never charged him myself. I saw them (my step sisters) go through 4 years of hell, for him to end up in prison for just over 2 years. He has 3 degrees, changed his last name and his wife (yes the mother of my stepsisters) stayed with him. She worked in a bar while he was in jail and when he was released, they had enough money to start all over again. I wasn't prepared to go through more years wasted on him for him to be somewhere that was like a summer camp to him.........I do know where he lives now and I have known every time he moves and I let the police and local schools know. It was one of the loneliest times in my life. I have a bear that my Aunty gave me when I was just months old.....It is about 1.5m tall. I used to sleep with it in my bed and I remember many a tear falling into its gorgeous big black nose as I fell asleep crying each night.
He alienated me from everyone who loved me, so that I would keep our secret. I had a horrific relationship with my mum and step dad and I believe if I hadn't remembered my abuse they would not be in my life now......lessons are learnt through tragic circumstance.........


Marrying to early, my first heartache with infertility


By the time he went to jail I was engaged to Brendan.....We had dated since I was 16. Looking back I realise I loved him, but wasn't in love with him. I don't think either of us thought anyone else would want us........I stopped Birth control just before I turned 18...all I wanted to do was be a mummy..... We tried and tried and I kept piling on weight, 60kg in 6 months...by 20 and when I was married I was 165kg. Finally I was diagnosed with a hyperprolactinemia. A tumour on my pituitary gland, causing an under active thyroid, PCOS and I was spitting out over 1000 times the normal level of prolactin. Prolactin is the hormone that is involved in breast feeding, hence why they say it is hard to fall pregnant while breast feeding. I was put on medication to help the prolactin levels that made me so ill...I was barely existing. I was also told during a CT scan that I have another tumour deep in my brain....If It decides to grow...well it's a place I have decided not to venture too!!! So this news, plus my weight gain, Gynos were cruel, but we did find one who gave me clomid and I did ovulate but unfortunately my husbands sperm was incredibly low and I was told I would never hav children of my own.
All of the stress over the years caused strain on the relationship and we broke up in June 2000. I found out he only married me to stay close to my best friend as he was in love with her.


 At the same time I started seeing a new specialist an endocrinologist called Professor David Carey. He was a gem. I he was so gentle and positive and finally told everyone that I wasn't over eating that the issues I had were so serious they caused the weight gain. He put me on duromine (for weight loss) an antidepressant (for mood) an anti inflammatory (for pain when I started exercising) and he found low fat alternatives for me so I could still enjoy food. 4 months in and my period came back. My GP said that didn't mean I was ovulating.


My own history with Domestic violence


 I started seeing a man I met on the internet....We dated for a few months on and off until I realised the sort of man he was. Extremely cruel and violent.
I went out one night with friends and woke the next morning at his place with no memory of the night before...He told me he met me out and I got so drunk he needed to bring me home. I had never been that drunk in my life......
6 weeks later my world dropped. My period was late, my breasts were sore and I was so so so tired. I went in to see my GP and I said to her my Tumour is growing I have symptoms.....She suggested doing a pregnancy test....I was like ummmm I haven't had sex in easily 8 weeks and it was always protected!!.....But sure enough I was pregnant. I had so so so so so many emotions.....immense joy was the first then confusion.
 I told my mum and she said FUCK, FUCK, FUCK...she had already worked out what this man was (I use man loosely)
I got in the car and drove to tell him and on the radio was FROM THIS MOMENT Shania Twain.....I sobbed happy tears. 
When I got to his place he was on the phone (turned out he was having phone sex when I turned up) I told him I was pregnant he was over joyed. He said we should tell my mum, when I said she already knew, he put me up against a wall by the throat.....that was the start of my 7 months of hell.
 My mum was angry and told me I had to try make a go of things with him....so I did. I was away from my parents, I had no friends, he monitored my phone calls........Obviously in this time I had been told we slept together that night I was so drunk( I came to later be told during an argument I had been drugged).......
at 19 weeks we had a huge fight and I got in my car and drove to mum and she came with me to Daniels scan....He was prefect and healthy. Mum still insisted Danny deserved a chance for his parents to be together so off I went back....I was locked upstairs alot...I was screamed at so much the neighbours would yell and tell him to stop hurting me, I was thrown on beds and pushed around......at 38 weeks I woke up and couldn't get out of bed.....i urinated everywhere and I was done. I had arranged to move back to mums place after Dan was born so getting to the hospital that day was my escape.




2 friends drove me down to the hospital and I rang mum and finally a beautiful midwife said I will not let you go home until your baby is here....Against my OBs wishes I was induced at 10pm that evening.....a couple of hours later I started having contractions, at 8am I had a drip put in and my mum and dans sperm donor came up.....(They had been both arguing my whole pregnancy saying if one was there the other wouldn't be...it was pure hell. DF (I will call him) fell asleep during my labour....yep asleep. At 3pm they decided to try an epi as I wasn't dilating....By 9.15pm and 26 attempts at an empi later a midwife stopped the anethatist....another one was called and I was rushed for an emergency C section. at 10.14pm my miracle boy was born.......Mum said that the nurses had to take Danny back from DF to give him to my mum and step dad to hold. When I woke I was a mess, in recovery....2 floors below my baby and I panicked. I never ever thought I would hold my own child. 
My mum came into recovery and told me I had a beautiful healthy baby boy...I remember being wheeled back to the ward trying to see him.....they wheeled him in and he took my breath away. He looked just like I did as a baby......I was able to breast feed him and the nurses made DF leave and I held my little boy in my arms all night.......
I had to stay in hospital for 6 days as one of the epi tries went right through to my spine and I had a huge headache....my mum spent all her time with me at the hospital doing all Dans firsts with him....DF didn't come back to the hospital thank god. I found out later he was sleeping with some woman......
I went back to mums and I slowly crumbled......I remember being up at cliffs at 11pm at night....I had left Dan with mum and dad and I just couldn't cope. I felt like a total failure.....mum and dad and my nan and pop supported me through.....Dan was the first grand child and great grand child!!! so so so loved........
I moved into my own little 2 bedroom apartment when dan was 8 weeks old and it was wonderful...slowly but surely DF started coming to visit and before I realised he was living there and every day was threatening to take Dan from me. I was a wreck.....at 10 months old he tried to take Dan and I wouldn't let him....he choked me til I passed out holding Dan and when I came too ( I had already called police) I sat at the bedroom door bracing myself so he couldn't get in...the police turned up at the same time as my mum and brother.
 I was given a protective order but I was told that he could still see Dan and if I stopped that happening I could lose him in custody. I took the bare basics from my flat and moved back to mums....He had all my furniture, I paid all the bills I just needed to get out. 
Somehow I managed to find an awesome Counsellor, who called centrelink for me (he told me I would lose Dan coz he was living with me and I didn't declare it.....he never gave me any money) and they were awesome!!! she then called the real estate for me and because he was opening all my mail they sent "me" a letter there evicting me........3 weeks later I turned up to the unit. It cost me $400 just to get rid of all the crap he had left there and all my furniture he had destroyed....I walked away with Dans cot.......


It was Danny and I against the world!! I was diagnosed with PND and my counsellor said she was positive I had it from the time Dan was born....how we survived that time is beyond me.
I moved in with a Girlfriend and my rent was paid by looking after her children while she worked. I was done with relationships and I dated casually and I was really content. I had issues with mental abuse from DF all the time....he saw Dan periodically when I would take him to visit. The AVO was only for 12 months.....
In Jan 04 I met Darryl....the love of my life, unexpectedly through a mutual friend......Somehow DF found out and when I was dropping Dan off on an access visit (while his room mate was there) he came out, took Dan out of the car and told me I would never see him again....I managed to get Dan off him and put him back in the car, he threw me to the ground and stomped on my hand got Dan put him on the other side of the security screen door and beat me for what seemed an eternity until I agreed to sign Dan over to him...As soon as he let me in the house I grabbed Dan and ran to my car and drove off like no tomorrow...he jumped over my bonnet trying to stop me!!!!


I went straight to legal aid, was granted another AVO and 6 months later and hours of mediation with stupid requests from DF, we came to an agreement. I signed the papers just after Christmas and DF was no where to be found...my lawyer sent the papers out to him 4 times and 3 were sent back return to sender. We have not heard from this vile rock spider since then. That was  December 04.

tbc....