Tahlis ultra sound

Tahli had her ultra sound today......She was so so good. She stayed completely still and did everything that the man asked her too....kidneys are close to the same size so that is a good thing...but that was only my observation......She got to see her heart and hear her heart beating...It bought me back to when my babies were inside me.....a Heart beat is the most beautiful sound a parent can ever hear.....

Dan has had a pretty good Day although he was awake at 4.00am this morning. Going to try give him his medication later this afternoon.....FX he goes to sleep a lil later and sleeps in a bit in the morning....

So thankful it is Friday.......this week has been one of the hardest I have ever endured!!

A little peace please

Yesterday I ended up taking Dan to the police station. He had broken our sliding door window and I had exhausted all my support systems and was worried about his and my safety. I think it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. I kept saying in my head...I am doing this because I love him over and over......I think I under estimate these demons that are his disabilities.....as much as they are apart of him but they do not define who they are, but I feel like I spend so much time dealing with his disabilities that I lose the opportunities to spend time with my little man....It makes me so so so sad. I see how vulnerable he is with those big blue eyes.....I know that every behaviour there is a reason, an underlying issue and it makes me sick that most of the time I have no idea what he is feeling, what he is thinking or what is circling around in his little head. I second guess myself constantly.....How do I know I am doing the right thing? Most of it comes from the heart.....but sometimes it comes from an angry place of self pity, where I feel we all got drawn a raw deal. I want it different I want it to change I want it to go away.......Sometimes just for a split second I forget he has any disabilities and I can look into his deep blue eyes and melt at the thought he is mine......I explain my life as living in a domestic violence situation that I will not leave. I will never ever give up on my little man. I will move heaven and earth to make this world easier for him to understand, to make people aware of child mental illness and disability.....of the inadequacy of support for people with mental health and disabilities. I love my little boy so so so much...............I just feel like a total failure that when I look at him, most of the time there is vacancy, mis understanding, anger, frustration and fear in his little face.

Total turmoil

Last night Dan went to sleep ok on his own....but at 4.30am he was awake, hyperactive, jumping on my bed (I have a sore tummy) screaming and yelling calling us names and that went on til 6am.....I went back into bed and just lied there screaming in my head why.................Why give my little man these disabilities, what did we do wrong to have such chaos and sadness and anger in our lives.....Haven't we been punished enough.....I then go through all the bad things...It is my fault he is this way, I didn't protect him properly. I didn't yell out during my pregnancy or labour......I didn't shield him from harm. I broke my little boy and now I am being punished by never feeling love from him.....Not that I ever expected it as such.....I just naturally thought that you give love, you receive love, but it is always on his terms and always a way of getting back at me for something. Dan has multiple disabilities that butt heads badly.......some disabilities are co-morbid and run Parallel with ADHD...e.g Autism, ODD....but Dan has Trauma induced Reactive attachment disorder which, from a parents point of view is so much harder than anything else.......He is settled atm.....but I grieve for what I thought our life would be......I grieve that every day my son is so angry, sad, frustrated and chaotic and can't explain his problems.....I grieve that my family will never have the life I had hoped for......I will do anything to make it better....but at the end of the day he will be with me for life......I also worry if I die, who will care for him..............

A sick house

Danny won't keep his shoes on and he has an infection in his toe from a large cut...the infection has headed up his body in the form of boils so he is home sick. I was up with Tahls and Dan during the night and I don't feel great myself today. In fact I would like to go back to bed and not feel any pain...emotionally or physically just once!!!!
Darryl has his job interview on Thursday I am kinda anxious and I hope he gets it. He has been working in the position temporarily for the last 3 years......and he has been at the CMC for 21 years now so if they give it to someone else I will be bloody livid. He deserves it!!!!!

wow an update is truly needed

Well lets make this short and sweet.....I spent so much time hiding over the last 10 months or so that I wouldn't have to look at myself....deep into myself.

Dan has gone backwards and has also had some major break throughs!!! we are still fighting QLD education for him to have the access to learn as he deserves. A battle I will fight til the death!!! He is at main stream school and he is struggling but he is doing the very best he can...........

Tahli has had her little struggles she is doing so well at school. We finally have seen a urologist last week and we are under his care trying to find the cause of her issues.......

Darryl is going for a promotion at work. As always he is my rock and I am so so blessed to have him.

As for me......Well I have rocked between 176-184kg over the last 12 months. I just had Lola tightened and FX I will be on my way!!
My agoraphobia and PTSD has been a real struggle for me to break free. I am now seeing a new counsellor and I adore her so so so much!!! She has been in our lives for the last 3 years......
My compensation claim is coming to a head.....First conference with Lawyers is on the 24th of July. Financially we are struggling I just cannot wait to break free from what has been a horrific three years.
I also suffered my third miscarriage in Sept. '11 It has been such a struggle since I lost little poppy seed......We have decided to TTC again slowly though....

I have been blessed to meet some beautiful ladies on my TTC path and through the loss of my little angels.....I am sure as this new chapter in my life begins I will talk constantly about these awe inspiring women!!!

I have had some sort of depression on and off my whole life. I was set up in life to be the care giver, the one who gives every little piece of herself with nothing given back.....It is so true what they say that every person you meet, from conception moulds you little by little into what you become. Some of the things I am really grateful for. I am strong, tough, resilient, determined and a touch rebellious, but there is a big part of me that feels so unworthy of love, affection, happiness and kindness. I trust way to easy and open myself up for tremendous amounts of hurt, sometimes I don't even think it's about trust, I have surrounded myself with people I know will never stay and not treat my properly as...I am not good enough.
I didn't love my mum properly when I was younger.....so I was a disapointment.
I was abused for many years......yet told I should be happy that someone cared for me
I was manipulated into a game piece so everyone could move me around as they wanted and it just left my heart shattered and my soul broken.
I became a yes girl. In the hope I would get positive attention. I became peoples whipping post as I didn't feel worthy of much more.
I never trusted in myself. In fact so often I could look in a mirror and hate what I saw so badly that I didn't want to exist.
I have done life so so so hard.
I am begginning to realise why.
I am so hard on myself. I judge myself so harshly and rarely believe I am worthy of happiness, security or love.
I talk so badly to myself and put myself down.
I have lived in so much shame, thinking it was all my fault.

I go through these humps, building myself and thinking I am ok....and then I go like a bull at a gate, putting everything and everyone in front of my own self worth. giving my time to people who would never ever think of giving me even a glimpse of a second. I become spent and I spiral into what am I doing to myself and I start my own I hate Ky fan club. I am not good enough.

I know I have come a long way. I have very very special people in my life now, who fill me with joy and are generous with their time and care deeply for me and for that I am forever grateful you ladies came into my world. I feel touched by a kindness I am not used too and even though I feel extremely lonely I know....deep down I am never alone.

depression is a constant fight. It doesn't just go away as fast as it seems to come!! It is like the ocean it has it's strong pulls and lulls and sometimes you feel like you are just floating rather than struggling everyday to put a smile on your face that is false.
I am a survivor. I am still here. While I believe I will always have depression in some form, it will go to the back of my head a be a mear annoyance in the scheme of my world and not right at the forefront with dispair and angst.
I am learning to trust myself, to care for myself, to be my own friend.
right now I am having a big struggle being a friend to myself, so I am at ease with not being happy with myself but not being so angry and full of hate and loathing that I won't bounce back.
Sometimes the :) you see on the outside, is only for appearance, to give someone your smile and share that around, makes the person standing next to you suffer a little less in themselves.

I just really needed to write....this being such a safe place for me....I couldn't help but share my rambles..
 :hug;  to you beautiful ladies who inspire me not to hang in this dark place for too long.... xoxo

there is a place, in the dark to hide, so no one can see the scars, no one can feel you pain, no one can hear your quiet sobs. there is a place in the dark to hide, where you feel no ones touch, no ones quiet warmth and no ones outstretched hand. there is a quiet place in the dark to hide, where the only light becomes that of your nightmares...