Total turmoil

Last night Dan went to sleep ok on his own....but at 4.30am he was awake, hyperactive, jumping on my bed (I have a sore tummy) screaming and yelling calling us names and that went on til 6am.....I went back into bed and just lied there screaming in my head why.................Why give my little man these disabilities, what did we do wrong to have such chaos and sadness and anger in our lives.....Haven't we been punished enough.....I then go through all the bad things...It is my fault he is this way, I didn't protect him properly. I didn't yell out during my pregnancy or labour......I didn't shield him from harm. I broke my little boy and now I am being punished by never feeling love from him.....Not that I ever expected it as such.....I just naturally thought that you give love, you receive love, but it is always on his terms and always a way of getting back at me for something. Dan has multiple disabilities that butt heads badly.......some disabilities are co-morbid and run Parallel with ADHD...e.g Autism, ODD....but Dan has Trauma induced Reactive attachment disorder which, from a parents point of view is so much harder than anything else.......He is settled atm.....but I grieve for what I thought our life would be......I grieve that every day my son is so angry, sad, frustrated and chaotic and can't explain his problems.....I grieve that my family will never have the life I had hoped for......I will do anything to make it better....but at the end of the day he will be with me for life......I also worry if I die, who will care for him..............