A little peace please

Yesterday I ended up taking Dan to the police station. He had broken our sliding door window and I had exhausted all my support systems and was worried about his and my safety. I think it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. I kept saying in my head...I am doing this because I love him over and over......I think I under estimate these demons that are his disabilities.....as much as they are apart of him but they do not define who they are, but I feel like I spend so much time dealing with his disabilities that I lose the opportunities to spend time with my little man....It makes me so so so sad. I see how vulnerable he is with those big blue eyes.....I know that every behaviour there is a reason, an underlying issue and it makes me sick that most of the time I have no idea what he is feeling, what he is thinking or what is circling around in his little head. I second guess myself constantly.....How do I know I am doing the right thing? Most of it comes from the heart.....but sometimes it comes from an angry place of self pity, where I feel we all got drawn a raw deal. I want it different I want it to change I want it to go away.......Sometimes just for a split second I forget he has any disabilities and I can look into his deep blue eyes and melt at the thought he is mine......I explain my life as living in a domestic violence situation that I will not leave. I will never ever give up on my little man. I will move heaven and earth to make this world easier for him to understand, to make people aware of child mental illness and disability.....of the inadequacy of support for people with mental health and disabilities. I love my little boy so so so much...............I just feel like a total failure that when I look at him, most of the time there is vacancy, mis understanding, anger, frustration and fear in his little face.