So much happens in a short amount of time, I had my 35th Birthday, spent the day doing stuff for everyone else, yep Door mat is still out and I still get taken advantage off. I don't know how to fucking stop doing this, letting every bit of light fade from my soul coz I give it away to people who suck it like its an addiction.

I have practiced praising this fortnight and mostly on Daniel and Tahli as they are the ones who I feel comfortable praising.

Darryl and I have differences in opinions about religion.

there are wonderful parts from many religions I find facinating, I most importantly feel my sould jump to life when I read quotes from wise people hence the Dalai Lama quotes on my page.
I don't understand how people can say they believe in something and go right against what the beliefs are. At least I am not sitting on my high horse saying how fabulous a religion is when in can wreck families and make people more judgemental and greedy for lifes riches.
I want simple beliefs that lift my heart is all.
I am sick of having no voice. It is constant and has always happened and I don't think I can keep going!!!
I think I have a handle on how to get it back and it blows up in my face!! I am so over it.

My beloved dog harry passed away on the 16th I was there at the vets and had to make the decision and I am really angry for being put in that position. I miss him terribly.

It was my poppas birthday yesterday. missing him so much its scarey. I want to go to him some days. It just feels to hard here.

so I have worked something out about me today

well I kinda already knew but today was a light bulb moment. I have a fear of the unknown. I know I am not pregnant I am serene, I am at ease and I am not even sure if I am going to try again this cycle.
I know Dan is now staying at Autism QLD and I feel at ease and serene like something just wafted over my whole body.
I spent so long fixing the budget last night to make sure we would get through that once we were done my head killed me so bad and yes its a squeeze but I just had to know. I had to get it out of my mind right then and there.
I am a control freak so bad and I know that part of that is wanting to control everything around me and that gives me the biggest headache!!!
My counsellor asked me to just praise people this week, for nothing in return, no people pleasing, no desire for anything else but to praise it feels so nice to see the smiles on everyones faces and I am conscious of doing it and seeing the feelings it brings to someone else!!

I still don't know how to not fear tomorrow, I still don't know how to accept that good things can come to me. I mean they have. I have so many blessings around me it's not funny. My thought process is that it could all come crashing down, that it will come crashing down, why........because I am not worthy enough of it all.
I so want to feel worthy of everything I have created thats good in my world and that hasn't been good that I have learnt lessons from. We shall see how I go travelling down that path!!!!
for some reason I think a weight has been lifted of my shoulders.

a voice from above

I have this person on Facebook that leaves quotes everyday for people and this one, I think was definately meant for me to read!!!

My guardian Angel is My Aunty Jenny, Tahli has Jennifer as her middle name and if we have another baby and it is a girl the middle name Joy is already picked..

"J.O.Y. - Just Open Yourself"

Let go of fear & & joy will appear.
Nobody can see inside your mind. 
So let it unwind.
Then you can start to find, 
how everything really does rhyme.
How sublime! Aloha! -Russell




Just Open Yourself - for me that is opening myself up for happiness, joy, not sadness, fear, regret, worry and turmoil.
I do believe in signs and messages and I think this was a big one today for me.

My Beautiful Aunty Jenny xoxo

They say we look alike i'm not sure

They say that she was full of joy and happiness and you can see it in her smile, she has been with me through everything and I talk to her all the time.....

very uncanny thing to happen today as our Dog Harry is at the Vet and they think he has cancer and it's the same kind that took poppa and I couldn't stop crying for my pop last night.......

thank you my beautiful Angels for letting me know you looking out over us

I tested this morning

I felt nausea this morning and thought It was a new symptom I am sure that If I was pregnant that I would of seen it by now, so I will just wait for my period to arrive its due in 4 days so I think this month there are so many things to take out of it!! just not a baby yet. patience comes to those who wait......

Today is my beautiful Guardian angels birthday. Aunty Jenny I love you and appreciate the guidance and wisdom and support I have felt from you all these years. I am sure you are being spoilt by nan and pop!!

I really am needing to think about what and how I am going about achieving the things I want in my life. People are in the past for a reason.....leaving there and not caring about how they have become my past is different

Im exhausted, so much happening here its not funny and I just cannot get into a deep sleep for the last 3 weeks :confused: I just had a sleep before and woke up and threw up I had a dream my little man would die in a car crash WTF i mean this dream was out there so i know its not real!! but It is scarey, you wait so long, for someone you do not feel worthy for, and you spend the 9 months pregnant :freakingout: hysterical and then his first couple of years with sleep aponea and now the disabilities, boy do I feel like Ive failed him....And then I try snap out and go shut the **** up Ky you have babies you are blessed what are you saying, but I know if I don't say it out loud somewhere I am going to fall back into my bubble and that place is so unhealthy.

Here it begins

I realised today that so much has gone wrong in my life since day one, and at almost 35 since I have become an adult I have done nothing to change it!!!

I keep wanting the world to change and I know that it is because I don't even know myself!!! surely knowing myself and liking myself is going to make my life so much easier

I have spent most of my life worrying about what everyone else thinks about me instead of thinking about what I think about myself. I immerse myself into other peoples worlds so I don't have to think about my past and how it has affected it. I have put everyone else in front of myself because I just thought that would make me a better person but it hasnt.

So here I am doing this Blog to see if I can move myself forward and assess who I am and how I can bring those changes!!!

Human potential is the same for all. Your feeling, “I am of no value”, is wrong. Absolutely wrong. You are deceiving yourself. We all have the power of thought – so what are you lacking? If you have willpower, then you can change anything. It is usually said that you are your own master.