I have had some sort of depression on and off my whole life. I was set up in life to be the care giver, the one who gives every little piece of herself with nothing given back.....It is so true what they say that every person you meet, from conception moulds you little by little into what you become. Some of the things I am really grateful for. I am strong, tough, resilient, determined and a touch rebellious, but there is a big part of me that feels so unworthy of love, affection, happiness and kindness. I trust way to easy and open myself up for tremendous amounts of hurt, sometimes I don't even think it's about trust, I have surrounded myself with people I know will never stay and not treat my properly as...I am not good enough.
I didn't love my mum properly when I was younger.....so I was a disapointment.
I was abused for many years......yet told I should be happy that someone cared for me
I was manipulated into a game piece so everyone could move me around as they wanted and it just left my heart shattered and my soul broken.
I became a yes girl. In the hope I would get positive attention. I became peoples whipping post as I didn't feel worthy of much more.
I never trusted in myself. In fact so often I could look in a mirror and hate what I saw so badly that I didn't want to exist.
I have done life so so so hard.
I am begginning to realise why.
I am so hard on myself. I judge myself so harshly and rarely believe I am worthy of happiness, security or love.
I talk so badly to myself and put myself down.
I have lived in so much shame, thinking it was all my fault.

I go through these humps, building myself and thinking I am ok....and then I go like a bull at a gate, putting everything and everyone in front of my own self worth. giving my time to people who would never ever think of giving me even a glimpse of a second. I become spent and I spiral into what am I doing to myself and I start my own I hate Ky fan club. I am not good enough.

I know I have come a long way. I have very very special people in my life now, who fill me with joy and are generous with their time and care deeply for me and for that I am forever grateful you ladies came into my world. I feel touched by a kindness I am not used too and even though I feel extremely lonely I know....deep down I am never alone.

depression is a constant fight. It doesn't just go away as fast as it seems to come!! It is like the ocean it has it's strong pulls and lulls and sometimes you feel like you are just floating rather than struggling everyday to put a smile on your face that is false.
I am a survivor. I am still here. While I believe I will always have depression in some form, it will go to the back of my head a be a mear annoyance in the scheme of my world and not right at the forefront with dispair and angst.
I am learning to trust myself, to care for myself, to be my own friend.
right now I am having a big struggle being a friend to myself, so I am at ease with not being happy with myself but not being so angry and full of hate and loathing that I won't bounce back.
Sometimes the :) you see on the outside, is only for appearance, to give someone your smile and share that around, makes the person standing next to you suffer a little less in themselves.

I just really needed to write....this being such a safe place for me....I couldn't help but share my rambles..
 :hug;  to you beautiful ladies who inspire me not to hang in this dark place for too long.... xoxo

there is a place, in the dark to hide, so no one can see the scars, no one can feel you pain, no one can hear your quiet sobs. there is a place in the dark to hide, where you feel no ones touch, no ones quiet warmth and no ones outstretched hand. there is a quiet place in the dark to hide, where the only light becomes that of your nightmares...

Chakras

So I have been reading up on my chakras lately. which ones are open, which ones are over active and which ones are closed. Found a brilliant website!!! The deep breathing and chanting really helps calm me!! I love it and it makes me focus on certain parts of my body rather than thinking of any stressful things!! I feel really in tune with my body when I do it. I cannot wait until I remember the chants and positions off by heart and it just becomes a natural part of my day!!
I am really tired. I didn't sleep well last night. Had some nightmares and Tahli sees her Specialist today so that was on my mind!!!
Determined to chill myself out in a huge way!!

It's been a while Big Update

So since my Brithday my little girl turned 6!! she is growing up so so fast now!!!

Tahli certainly isn't my baby anymore!! but both always will be my babies!!!















Danny is up and down, I am proud of how he is trying so very hard to cope with his emotions while we are trying to get him someone to talk to and help support him to understand and channel his emotions in a different way!!! He is my miracle man and he is growing so fast. I cannot believe that 10 years in May I fell pregnant with my miracle baby

I got to go and see my Dragons play their first game of the Season at Skilled park.
We beat the titans. The atmosphere was awesome and I am an offical member now!!
LOVE MAH DRAGONS!!!!!

Me and the GORGEOUS
 Mr Mat Cooper!!!
lucious!!!!!
It was the best night. I spent the night with a Girlfriend, drinking pretty coloured drinks and meeting the team at the after party!! priceless awesome 35th Birthday pressie!!!

19th March
Darryl and I have been married 5 years!!!

things can be really tough!! but there is no where else in the world I would rather be than in my mans arms. He is my yang. It is so true that opposites attract and we fit like missing puzzle pieces. Marriage is hard. It needs daily work but It is so worth the reward at the end.
Love you more baby xoxo <3 <3 <3 <3 <3








The weight is starting to fall off now and I am so so proud of myself. I am going to be brave and put my before and Now piccys up!!
I am about 1/3 into the weight I wish to lose. At my biggest I was 208kg...well you can see the difference in the pictures.
Don't scroll down if you don't wanna see me in a ikky bra and skirt!!
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the day of surgery 208kg 5th Feb 2008

August 2010

March
2011

I Feel like I am actually on my way on this journey!!!

So much happens in a short amount of time, I had my 35th Birthday, spent the day doing stuff for everyone else, yep Door mat is still out and I still get taken advantage off. I don't know how to fucking stop doing this, letting every bit of light fade from my soul coz I give it away to people who suck it like its an addiction.

I have practiced praising this fortnight and mostly on Daniel and Tahli as they are the ones who I feel comfortable praising.

Darryl and I have differences in opinions about religion.

there are wonderful parts from many religions I find facinating, I most importantly feel my sould jump to life when I read quotes from wise people hence the Dalai Lama quotes on my page.
I don't understand how people can say they believe in something and go right against what the beliefs are. At least I am not sitting on my high horse saying how fabulous a religion is when in can wreck families and make people more judgemental and greedy for lifes riches.
I want simple beliefs that lift my heart is all.
I am sick of having no voice. It is constant and has always happened and I don't think I can keep going!!!
I think I have a handle on how to get it back and it blows up in my face!! I am so over it.

My beloved dog harry passed away on the 16th I was there at the vets and had to make the decision and I am really angry for being put in that position. I miss him terribly.

It was my poppas birthday yesterday. missing him so much its scarey. I want to go to him some days. It just feels to hard here.

so I have worked something out about me today

well I kinda already knew but today was a light bulb moment. I have a fear of the unknown. I know I am not pregnant I am serene, I am at ease and I am not even sure if I am going to try again this cycle.
I know Dan is now staying at Autism QLD and I feel at ease and serene like something just wafted over my whole body.
I spent so long fixing the budget last night to make sure we would get through that once we were done my head killed me so bad and yes its a squeeze but I just had to know. I had to get it out of my mind right then and there.
I am a control freak so bad and I know that part of that is wanting to control everything around me and that gives me the biggest headache!!!
My counsellor asked me to just praise people this week, for nothing in return, no people pleasing, no desire for anything else but to praise it feels so nice to see the smiles on everyones faces and I am conscious of doing it and seeing the feelings it brings to someone else!!

I still don't know how to not fear tomorrow, I still don't know how to accept that good things can come to me. I mean they have. I have so many blessings around me it's not funny. My thought process is that it could all come crashing down, that it will come crashing down, why........because I am not worthy enough of it all.
I so want to feel worthy of everything I have created thats good in my world and that hasn't been good that I have learnt lessons from. We shall see how I go travelling down that path!!!!
for some reason I think a weight has been lifted of my shoulders.

a voice from above

I have this person on Facebook that leaves quotes everyday for people and this one, I think was definately meant for me to read!!!

My guardian Angel is My Aunty Jenny, Tahli has Jennifer as her middle name and if we have another baby and it is a girl the middle name Joy is already picked..

"J.O.Y. - Just Open Yourself"

Let go of fear & & joy will appear.
Nobody can see inside your mind. 
So let it unwind.
Then you can start to find, 
how everything really does rhyme.
How sublime! Aloha! -Russell




Just Open Yourself - for me that is opening myself up for happiness, joy, not sadness, fear, regret, worry and turmoil.
I do believe in signs and messages and I think this was a big one today for me.

My Beautiful Aunty Jenny xoxo

They say we look alike i'm not sure

They say that she was full of joy and happiness and you can see it in her smile, she has been with me through everything and I talk to her all the time.....

very uncanny thing to happen today as our Dog Harry is at the Vet and they think he has cancer and it's the same kind that took poppa and I couldn't stop crying for my pop last night.......

thank you my beautiful Angels for letting me know you looking out over us