May.....why do you have to exist......

Nannys Birthday is the 4th....

International bereavement mothers Day is the 6th.

little Laykin

The 26th is my Due date for my little poppy seed

27th is the last time I ever spoke to my poppa or felt him squeeze my hand

the 28th is the day my world fell apart when my hero quietly passed away.....



I have had 3 m/c.......none of my angels made it to having heart beats......  I can tell you that there are some questions that are never answered.....It has taken me many many years to learn that. I lost so many of my years wondering why I was abused, rather than coming to terms with sometimes things just happen and they suck.....Grief and guilt can eat you alive. Dan has many many disabilities and There are some days I get stuck on a loop of what if? and it eats me away and I lose sight of living my life and I end up just existing. I am still learning everyday to let go of the guilt, to learn that life just is.....That time doesnt make wounds heal, but it allows you to gain perspective, to learn, to contemplate and to remember the things that are so so so important. Be gentle on yourself ........we are great at being our own worst enemy

so frustrated right now

If I hear one more person say that Dan has no disabilities and his behaviour is all because he is naughty and there are no underlying issues I will end up in jail!!!! I didn't do the 2 sensory profiles, I didn't do his physio assessment, I didn't do his IQ assessment. I didn't do his speech and language assessment that was done in one of his hospital stays when I was not present so I could not bribe the speechy either........I also don't force Dan to show he lacks the understanding of emotions, humour, tact, true reciprocated friendships and love....... I didn't force the paed to say he had ADHD or 2 different psychs to say he has Aspergers or the psychologists that diagnosed his reactive attachment disorder. I was the one who heard the child development networks Developmental Paed say he was beyond helping Dan and he was more psych, but he was so INTERESTING in his complex behaviours he would like to stay involved..........I didn't bribe child safety in to saying our home was perfect for Dan, with parents who love and care deeply for him and being thanked for not throwing him into the Child safety system. I took him to the appointments but with a lot more than just one specialist how the hell can you deduct that he is just a naughty kid who has no consequences and is spoilt......

sinking......

That feeling, when you just can't bare to talk to anyone or see anyone is here once more....I am trying to fight through it but I have been sick, my band is really tight and I am tired. Dan is still unwell too.....I just want everyone to know I am ok....that I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow and FX I will be back.....

Let me tell you about my hero

My poppa.

I had an extremely difficult childhood. (see my story in the links to the right) 

My poppa is the only person in this whole wide world who has let me just be me. Who loved me unconditionally from the start, who made me feel laughter and joy, safe and calm, who would give me horsey rides and let me sneak a swig of his beer. 

I remember how he would rub his stubble on my cheeks and snicker cheekily in my ear.....All of us grand kids couldn't wait for him to get home of an afternoon.

He was a builder. In the Days it was a craft to build a house with just your hands. He lived out west and was away alot of the time and always worked in the sun.

When I was 14 Poppa was first diagnosed with Cancer.....He had skin cancers removed from his face and neck and needed radiation....This happened over many years causing extreme pain...the radiation would cause is oesophagus to burn. It was hell...He had many skin grafts as well.

Just before I fell pregnant he told the family he was done. He could not go through any more operations or radiations. We all understood. 

Nan and pop were parental figures to my brother and I, my aunt had passed when I was 9 months old so I became something for them to hold on too....I know I hold a special place in their hearts. 

when Dan was born I was a single mum and I asked my nan and pop if I could give Dan their last name. Pop and my Great uncle had all had girls and the Garnish name was to stop. Poppa was so proud.

when Dan was 3 months old poppas cancer came back.....Straight away he said do what you need to do.....I have something I really need to live for.

Pop and Dan were 2 peas in a pod. Dan looks so much like him in the way he locks his knees when he stands to the colour of his eyes.

We went back to see pop when Dan was 4 months old to be there for pops operation. He took Dan walking on his own (no one had ever seen poppa push a pram) he fed Danny bottles and the connection was so close.

In 2008 Pop was having bowel troubles but at the same time a nasty skin cancer came up. He went to Sydney to have that removed before a colonoscopy that 6 weeks later changed our lives.

He had Bowel cancer. I took time off work and we went home for his surgery......On our way down, mum rang and said they successfully removed the bowel cancer...for an instant I was relieved until she said it had already spread to his liver.......in August 2008.

I went back to visit them with my kids for chrissy in 2008

Pop was fighting it the best way he could and even started doing experimental therapy to help........Around the 25th of May 2009 Mum received the call to head home. It took us 24 hours opposed to 7 because of the floods. We arrived on Tuesday the 26th of May. Poppa was in bed and only able to just get up.....

I spent time lying with him, chatting with him, laughing with him......

On the Wednesday the 27th of May palliative care arrived to talk to my nan, mum and Aunts.....they asked me to stay with pop. those 2 hours are irreplaceable. I told him I would look after his babies, nanny and mum. I told him I would keep losing weight. I told him how proud I was to be his Grand Daughter and I told him how much I love and appreciate him...the whole time holding his frail, wrinkled, beautiful hand.....the last thing he said to me lucidly was when I said I love you my poppa....and he said I love you to darlin...those words were the last he said to anyone before he started hallucinating and fell into a deep sleep. I was given the honour and privilege of caring for him for the next 24 hours. I worked in Disability, mental health, aged and palliative care all my life......I felt so honoured......We rang my dad and told him to bring my brother, Darryl, Dan and Tahli as quick as possible......at 8.20pm on the 28th of May my brother Arrived......I said run upstairs, nan let him lay beside poppa. He said Poppa I love you, gave him a kiss....Said that Dan, Tahli, Darryl and Dad were safe in the house. HE came back down stairs, my pop took three deep breaths and passed peacefully away knowing his babies were safe in the house.....

At 9.14pm on the 28th of May I lost my rock, my hero, my safe place, my soft place, my love, my hero.....

I am so so so blessed to have known such an amazing man, without him. I would not be here now.....

we don't say goodbye 
we say see you soon. 
You are both resting, peacefully watching over your family. 
love transends time. I can almost feel your touch gently on my shoulders. 
I miss you more than I ever thought was possible. 
You both took a piece of my heart when you left and now how do I fill that empty void. 
I hear you saying god love ya. I want to feel your arms around me so much it hurts. 
Standing on pedastals since the day I was born. I adore you both. 
Life is not the same without you in it. The sun isnt shinning as fierce, the breath of the air doesnt feel 
as comforting as it once did. 
You both taught me so much. I will honour those teachings in the way I bring up your great grand babies. Neither one of you were ready to leave but both of you needed to be together. 
As a single tear falls down my face, I need the world to stand still while I catch my breath and know the reality you are both gone, never forgotten, always much adored, forever in my heart. 

Dan saw his new Ot today!!! OMG she is amazing.....The grin on his little face, his relaxed body and mind let his spirit soar through so so much!! Just to see a glimpse of the little soul that is buried deep within all that pain was amazing!!!!
He can't wait to go back next friday.......HE loves the swinging hammock the most!!!!!

sighs

ya know I really am at a breaking point...something goes right all for it just to be all jumbled again......Coming from a control freak!!! I don't cope well not knowing what is going to happen and not having control of things.
Darryl got the permanent position at work on Tuesday and we were on a HIGH!!! and then DSQ said they would pay for dans OT and I am like OMG!! we are moving forward.....and now someone has stuffed up either DSQ or the OT and Dan may only get one visit and there is no bloody point to one visit....
I am trying to breath through it. We have a new premier from monday so I will lobby him about it!!  actually I sent him a cheeky email today. I know he won't see it but hell can't hurt for him to get to know me now...he will know me well in the coming months!!!!!

Susie

2 years ago after many frantic phone calls we end up at child youth mental health with an intake officer......Little did I know this woman was to become a huge part of my families world. She realised how dire our situation was and fast tracked our first meeting with the Dr.....She held Dan's legs I held his arms so He couldn't run away. He was almost 7 and had tried twice over the Christmas holidays to commit suicide.....go to god as he explains it.....We started on Ritalin and Risperadone and we saw Susie weekly. She became our case manager. I remember sobbing in the room while Dan was going wild and she said to me Suck it up girl, never let him see he has power over you.......Such a real honest person.
Over three years she not only took care of Dans interests and advocated for him at school, with QLD health and with DSQ, but she supported me. She was honest and fair and someone I could bounce ideas off. In June last year she decided to leave CYMHS. I freaked!!! But she told me she was becoming a mental health care nurse and gave me the doctors name so I could get a referral to see her.......It took me 4 months to work up the courage to go BUT omg am I glad I did. She is my safe person...that little room....as clinical as it is, is my safe place, where I never have to pretend, I never have to lie, I can cry and laugh, bounce Ideas off her and always gain insight and wonderful advice. I truly have found an earth angel in my susie!!!!
today for an hour and a half I got to pour out my heart and head......to get everything out that I don't dare tell anyone, to laugh with her, to feel her warmth and understanding........I really don't think she understands the impact she has had on mine and my families life.
I said that I must have a burning ember of strength deep inside somewhere......She said I think you get that from your poppa.....how right was she in that statement....
Thank you Susie for everything you do xoxoxox

Happy anniversary

Today is Darryl and my 6th wedding anniversary!!
I am so blessed to have him in my world....what a roller coaster ride we have been on...but there is no one else I would rather share the ride with....
love you more baby!! xoxoxo

what weekend!!!!

To start of with MAH DRAGONS FLOGGED THE TIGERS WAHOOOOOO on Friday night....I may of had a couple of drinks

Dan woke at 3.45am and had a pretty good day, no violence but alot of swearing....that I can cope with sighs.....He had a friend stay over on Sat night as he had been really good and he was still awake at 2am.....to much change I think sighs....He woke at 11am.....

Got to watch the Formula 1....weekend was awesome for a sport thirsty girl...

I am exhausted this morning though!!!

Tahlis ultra sound

Tahli had her ultra sound today......She was so so good. She stayed completely still and did everything that the man asked her too....kidneys are close to the same size so that is a good thing...but that was only my observation......She got to see her heart and hear her heart beating...It bought me back to when my babies were inside me.....a Heart beat is the most beautiful sound a parent can ever hear.....

Dan has had a pretty good Day although he was awake at 4.00am this morning. Going to try give him his medication later this afternoon.....FX he goes to sleep a lil later and sleeps in a bit in the morning....

So thankful it is Friday.......this week has been one of the hardest I have ever endured!!

A little peace please

Yesterday I ended up taking Dan to the police station. He had broken our sliding door window and I had exhausted all my support systems and was worried about his and my safety. I think it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life. I kept saying in my head...I am doing this because I love him over and over......I think I under estimate these demons that are his disabilities.....as much as they are apart of him but they do not define who they are, but I feel like I spend so much time dealing with his disabilities that I lose the opportunities to spend time with my little man....It makes me so so so sad. I see how vulnerable he is with those big blue eyes.....I know that every behaviour there is a reason, an underlying issue and it makes me sick that most of the time I have no idea what he is feeling, what he is thinking or what is circling around in his little head. I second guess myself constantly.....How do I know I am doing the right thing? Most of it comes from the heart.....but sometimes it comes from an angry place of self pity, where I feel we all got drawn a raw deal. I want it different I want it to change I want it to go away.......Sometimes just for a split second I forget he has any disabilities and I can look into his deep blue eyes and melt at the thought he is mine......I explain my life as living in a domestic violence situation that I will not leave. I will never ever give up on my little man. I will move heaven and earth to make this world easier for him to understand, to make people aware of child mental illness and disability.....of the inadequacy of support for people with mental health and disabilities. I love my little boy so so so much...............I just feel like a total failure that when I look at him, most of the time there is vacancy, mis understanding, anger, frustration and fear in his little face.

Total turmoil

Last night Dan went to sleep ok on his own....but at 4.30am he was awake, hyperactive, jumping on my bed (I have a sore tummy) screaming and yelling calling us names and that went on til 6am.....I went back into bed and just lied there screaming in my head why.................Why give my little man these disabilities, what did we do wrong to have such chaos and sadness and anger in our lives.....Haven't we been punished enough.....I then go through all the bad things...It is my fault he is this way, I didn't protect him properly. I didn't yell out during my pregnancy or labour......I didn't shield him from harm. I broke my little boy and now I am being punished by never feeling love from him.....Not that I ever expected it as such.....I just naturally thought that you give love, you receive love, but it is always on his terms and always a way of getting back at me for something. Dan has multiple disabilities that butt heads badly.......some disabilities are co-morbid and run Parallel with ADHD...e.g Autism, ODD....but Dan has Trauma induced Reactive attachment disorder which, from a parents point of view is so much harder than anything else.......He is settled atm.....but I grieve for what I thought our life would be......I grieve that every day my son is so angry, sad, frustrated and chaotic and can't explain his problems.....I grieve that my family will never have the life I had hoped for......I will do anything to make it better....but at the end of the day he will be with me for life......I also worry if I die, who will care for him..............

A sick house

Danny won't keep his shoes on and he has an infection in his toe from a large cut...the infection has headed up his body in the form of boils so he is home sick. I was up with Tahls and Dan during the night and I don't feel great myself today. In fact I would like to go back to bed and not feel any pain...emotionally or physically just once!!!!
Darryl has his job interview on Thursday I am kinda anxious and I hope he gets it. He has been working in the position temporarily for the last 3 years......and he has been at the CMC for 21 years now so if they give it to someone else I will be bloody livid. He deserves it!!!!!

wow an update is truly needed

Well lets make this short and sweet.....I spent so much time hiding over the last 10 months or so that I wouldn't have to look at myself....deep into myself.

Dan has gone backwards and has also had some major break throughs!!! we are still fighting QLD education for him to have the access to learn as he deserves. A battle I will fight til the death!!! He is at main stream school and he is struggling but he is doing the very best he can...........

Tahli has had her little struggles she is doing so well at school. We finally have seen a urologist last week and we are under his care trying to find the cause of her issues.......

Darryl is going for a promotion at work. As always he is my rock and I am so so blessed to have him.

As for me......Well I have rocked between 176-184kg over the last 12 months. I just had Lola tightened and FX I will be on my way!!
My agoraphobia and PTSD has been a real struggle for me to break free. I am now seeing a new counsellor and I adore her so so so much!!! She has been in our lives for the last 3 years......
My compensation claim is coming to a head.....First conference with Lawyers is on the 24th of July. Financially we are struggling I just cannot wait to break free from what has been a horrific three years.
I also suffered my third miscarriage in Sept. '11 It has been such a struggle since I lost little poppy seed......We have decided to TTC again slowly though....

I have been blessed to meet some beautiful ladies on my TTC path and through the loss of my little angels.....I am sure as this new chapter in my life begins I will talk constantly about these awe inspiring women!!!

I have had some sort of depression on and off my whole life. I was set up in life to be the care giver, the one who gives every little piece of herself with nothing given back.....It is so true what they say that every person you meet, from conception moulds you little by little into what you become. Some of the things I am really grateful for. I am strong, tough, resilient, determined and a touch rebellious, but there is a big part of me that feels so unworthy of love, affection, happiness and kindness. I trust way to easy and open myself up for tremendous amounts of hurt, sometimes I don't even think it's about trust, I have surrounded myself with people I know will never stay and not treat my properly as...I am not good enough.
I didn't love my mum properly when I was younger.....so I was a disapointment.
I was abused for many years......yet told I should be happy that someone cared for me
I was manipulated into a game piece so everyone could move me around as they wanted and it just left my heart shattered and my soul broken.
I became a yes girl. In the hope I would get positive attention. I became peoples whipping post as I didn't feel worthy of much more.
I never trusted in myself. In fact so often I could look in a mirror and hate what I saw so badly that I didn't want to exist.
I have done life so so so hard.
I am begginning to realise why.
I am so hard on myself. I judge myself so harshly and rarely believe I am worthy of happiness, security or love.
I talk so badly to myself and put myself down.
I have lived in so much shame, thinking it was all my fault.

I go through these humps, building myself and thinking I am ok....and then I go like a bull at a gate, putting everything and everyone in front of my own self worth. giving my time to people who would never ever think of giving me even a glimpse of a second. I become spent and I spiral into what am I doing to myself and I start my own I hate Ky fan club. I am not good enough.

I know I have come a long way. I have very very special people in my life now, who fill me with joy and are generous with their time and care deeply for me and for that I am forever grateful you ladies came into my world. I feel touched by a kindness I am not used too and even though I feel extremely lonely I know....deep down I am never alone.

depression is a constant fight. It doesn't just go away as fast as it seems to come!! It is like the ocean it has it's strong pulls and lulls and sometimes you feel like you are just floating rather than struggling everyday to put a smile on your face that is false.
I am a survivor. I am still here. While I believe I will always have depression in some form, it will go to the back of my head a be a mear annoyance in the scheme of my world and not right at the forefront with dispair and angst.
I am learning to trust myself, to care for myself, to be my own friend.
right now I am having a big struggle being a friend to myself, so I am at ease with not being happy with myself but not being so angry and full of hate and loathing that I won't bounce back.
Sometimes the :) you see on the outside, is only for appearance, to give someone your smile and share that around, makes the person standing next to you suffer a little less in themselves.

I just really needed to write....this being such a safe place for me....I couldn't help but share my rambles..
 :hug;  to you beautiful ladies who inspire me not to hang in this dark place for too long.... xoxo

there is a place, in the dark to hide, so no one can see the scars, no one can feel you pain, no one can hear your quiet sobs. there is a place in the dark to hide, where you feel no ones touch, no ones quiet warmth and no ones outstretched hand. there is a quiet place in the dark to hide, where the only light becomes that of your nightmares...

Chakras

So I have been reading up on my chakras lately. which ones are open, which ones are over active and which ones are closed. Found a brilliant website!!! The deep breathing and chanting really helps calm me!! I love it and it makes me focus on certain parts of my body rather than thinking of any stressful things!! I feel really in tune with my body when I do it. I cannot wait until I remember the chants and positions off by heart and it just becomes a natural part of my day!!
I am really tired. I didn't sleep well last night. Had some nightmares and Tahli sees her Specialist today so that was on my mind!!!
Determined to chill myself out in a huge way!!

It's been a while Big Update

So since my Brithday my little girl turned 6!! she is growing up so so fast now!!!

Tahli certainly isn't my baby anymore!! but both always will be my babies!!!















Danny is up and down, I am proud of how he is trying so very hard to cope with his emotions while we are trying to get him someone to talk to and help support him to understand and channel his emotions in a different way!!! He is my miracle man and he is growing so fast. I cannot believe that 10 years in May I fell pregnant with my miracle baby

I got to go and see my Dragons play their first game of the Season at Skilled park.
We beat the titans. The atmosphere was awesome and I am an offical member now!!
LOVE MAH DRAGONS!!!!!

Me and the GORGEOUS
 Mr Mat Cooper!!!
lucious!!!!!
It was the best night. I spent the night with a Girlfriend, drinking pretty coloured drinks and meeting the team at the after party!! priceless awesome 35th Birthday pressie!!!

19th March
Darryl and I have been married 5 years!!!

things can be really tough!! but there is no where else in the world I would rather be than in my mans arms. He is my yang. It is so true that opposites attract and we fit like missing puzzle pieces. Marriage is hard. It needs daily work but It is so worth the reward at the end.
Love you more baby xoxo <3 <3 <3 <3 <3








The weight is starting to fall off now and I am so so proud of myself. I am going to be brave and put my before and Now piccys up!!
I am about 1/3 into the weight I wish to lose. At my biggest I was 208kg...well you can see the difference in the pictures.
Don't scroll down if you don't wanna see me in a ikky bra and skirt!!
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the day of surgery 208kg 5th Feb 2008

August 2010

March
2011

I Feel like I am actually on my way on this journey!!!

So much happens in a short amount of time, I had my 35th Birthday, spent the day doing stuff for everyone else, yep Door mat is still out and I still get taken advantage off. I don't know how to fucking stop doing this, letting every bit of light fade from my soul coz I give it away to people who suck it like its an addiction.

I have practiced praising this fortnight and mostly on Daniel and Tahli as they are the ones who I feel comfortable praising.

Darryl and I have differences in opinions about religion.

there are wonderful parts from many religions I find facinating, I most importantly feel my sould jump to life when I read quotes from wise people hence the Dalai Lama quotes on my page.
I don't understand how people can say they believe in something and go right against what the beliefs are. At least I am not sitting on my high horse saying how fabulous a religion is when in can wreck families and make people more judgemental and greedy for lifes riches.
I want simple beliefs that lift my heart is all.
I am sick of having no voice. It is constant and has always happened and I don't think I can keep going!!!
I think I have a handle on how to get it back and it blows up in my face!! I am so over it.

My beloved dog harry passed away on the 16th I was there at the vets and had to make the decision and I am really angry for being put in that position. I miss him terribly.

It was my poppas birthday yesterday. missing him so much its scarey. I want to go to him some days. It just feels to hard here.

so I have worked something out about me today

well I kinda already knew but today was a light bulb moment. I have a fear of the unknown. I know I am not pregnant I am serene, I am at ease and I am not even sure if I am going to try again this cycle.
I know Dan is now staying at Autism QLD and I feel at ease and serene like something just wafted over my whole body.
I spent so long fixing the budget last night to make sure we would get through that once we were done my head killed me so bad and yes its a squeeze but I just had to know. I had to get it out of my mind right then and there.
I am a control freak so bad and I know that part of that is wanting to control everything around me and that gives me the biggest headache!!!
My counsellor asked me to just praise people this week, for nothing in return, no people pleasing, no desire for anything else but to praise it feels so nice to see the smiles on everyones faces and I am conscious of doing it and seeing the feelings it brings to someone else!!

I still don't know how to not fear tomorrow, I still don't know how to accept that good things can come to me. I mean they have. I have so many blessings around me it's not funny. My thought process is that it could all come crashing down, that it will come crashing down, why........because I am not worthy enough of it all.
I so want to feel worthy of everything I have created thats good in my world and that hasn't been good that I have learnt lessons from. We shall see how I go travelling down that path!!!!
for some reason I think a weight has been lifted of my shoulders.